What's our Purpose.....

What is our purpose in this life??? That's a dang good question..... But, I think we are asking the wrong question.... And maybe why we do not get the answer, or feel like we don't. Perhaps, the question should be, "what's Gods purpose for us?". Call me crazy, but I think that would get you more results and a much clearer answer. Now, don't get me wrong here... I am the queen of doing things MY way. I should have a T-shirt made that says, "my way or the highway" ... It's all jokes and laughs till you actually sit back and realize that, yeah, that's not actually a good thing. God has a divine purpose for our lives, he really does. But, if we are strutting around in this Metaphorical T-Shirt that screams out in a testimonial way, "I DONT NEED GODS PURPOSE OR GUIDENCE, I GOT THIS WHOLE LIFE THING ON MY OWN" ..... We aren't giving the best testimony to those around us, especially those who look up to us: our children, co-workers, employees and even other family members. We are, for the lack of a more elegant and tasteful phrase, crapping on Gods grace and gift of free will. Sure, he could MAKE us do what he has created us for, but then it wouldn't be free will. Would it? We would kick and scream like my adorable 22 month old monster. I, still, at 33 have no flipping clue what my purpose is??? To be a mother??? A wife?? A counselor?? A boss??? A circus clown??? I don't really know. What is do know is this: God should be driving the bus of your life, not you. Until you're ready to let go and let God, you don't have a snowballs chance in hell of having a happy and meaningful life. You just don't. I still kick and scream, when I do; I realize it now.... I stop and laugh... Have a little chat with God and explain why I am right and how he should just let me do it my way ... Oonnnnneeee more time.... and you know what??? He lets me!!! You know what else??? Sometimes it even works out! But, not the way GOD intended, which in the end would have and will always be the best way. Sometimes he doesn't allow things to work out, sometimes we become Property Mangers instead of Nurses.... Or Infertal instead of having 4 kids of our own like we had dreamed of since we were little girls.... God always turns these types of things, that in the moment seem unbearable and almost cruel, to divine peace. A woman may be Infertal because there is a baby out there who will have no mother, and GOD has chosen her to be it. I wanted so badly to be a nurse. A special lady to me was a nurse and she was all I had for a mom type... Few years dealing with hospice and nursing home, nope.... Not for me. Now, I am a property Manager and still get to help people... Turns out I'm really good at it too! I would have been a really crappy nurse. Haha, like the worst. Numbers, computer, finances... That's me. So, main point behind all that babble. Let go people! It's not your life anyway, it's his.... Don't take advantage of that amazing gift of free will.... This world is not how he intended it, I can guarantee that... But, maybe... Just maybe if we all come together and allow him to lead us, we would be more inclined to choose the God choices and not our fleshy ones.

Peace, love and Grace. 

Jesus is the reason for every season yall, not just Christmas.... Will you let him lead you? Will I?!?! Today, yes! Tomorrow, I HOPE SO!!! Next Thursday, no clue.... But, I will get on my knees and pray for him to convict me when needed, guide when I'm stubborn and love me when I am  broken. 

Clever little game of Cat and Mouse

I found myself wondering after 2 days of being pissy with my Husband, why do I make him chase me and make terrible assumptions of what I may be needing or wanting from him... I know that he WANTS to be there and help me in anyway possible.... He like every male out there just wants to, "fix it"..... I say I'm hungry.... He says, "you want me to go get you something" I say I'm tired.... He says, "do you want me to take the baby and you can nap" well, YEAH, I do want you to do those things.... However, reality says.... Nope, you have an 8 year old, a 22 month old, a full time job and a Husband.... What I REALLY want to happen is this: I say what I need and him say, "hunny, you work so hard and I notice everything you do for me and the boys... You're amazing and I don't know how you do it" I would basically be married to a woman or Jesus to get THAT type of response..... I am not gay and Jesus is not dating at the moment....

So, the question is: why do we make them chase us? When they want to fix everything so badly. I will tell you why... In my very blunt and honest opinion. We are by genetic code, whiny bitchy human beings.... We want want want want. We want them to just know what's wrong with us. In my cluster mess of a broken, fleshy, female brain I honestly think, "why does he have to ask what's wrong?!?! Is he a moron, isn't it obvious?!?!" Well, no, it isn't. Not to them, at least. I find myself having imaginary conversations in my head, like how I intend for a conversation with my husband (or others to be honest) to take place... When he doesn't start the, "real" conversation like he started it in the imaginary one in my head, fires already been started and I'm crazy lady... And the poor guy had no clue he was suppose to ask me, for example: why I was upset he chose a pizza buffet for lunch after church today and would I prefer Mexican Food...here is what happened today: he asked, I told him to pick knowing good and well I wanted Mexican food....Yet, I still want him to just know. Then it turns into this terrible hissy fit by me... All because he didn't just know. It's like I want him to chase me... I honestly think because that chase is what started the relationship and we get bored in the "monotone" section of our marriage.

This is not how it should be, yet... Tonight when I want him to just know that I'm tired and overwhelmed from an impending audit at work and moving.... And he doesn't just know...I'm going to make him chase me for the answer to, "what's wrong?" I will finally tell him... But, not before I make him suffer a bit for merely being a one track minded man and not just knowing. 

I hope I can correct this one day, and just expect that ... This is honestly how a guys brain works. They honest to God do not get it. You MUST draw a picture for them. You want them to unload the dishwasher. Ask them. You want them to take out the trash. Ask them. Tell them directly what you NEED from them when you need it... You're setting yourself up for a miserable marriage for you both, if you don't. My husband literally told me today, "If I had editing on my phone ... I'd video the baby swinging his arms and edit in light sabers, then he would look like a Jedi Knight in training... You always wonder what's going on in my head, it's usually stuff like that" yup.... After that it hit me, bam..... We can think of a million things at one time... They MAYBE can think of two... I was talking about how we would never raise the boys in Houston.... Blah blah blah... He's thinking of turning our 22 month old into a Jedi.. George Lucas would be proud, but I just realized I'm married to a 10 year old trapped in a 27 year old man body lol... Seriously though, lets give our men a break and throw em' a bone every now and again.... Here's a crazy thought: lets just tell them what's on our mind and what we need as their wives. 

Ephesians 4:2-3 

²Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.³Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. 

We should be trying harder to keep the unity, that's what makes us a couple.... A whole. Unity. I know I should try a little harder, at least. 

#christian1rants

Poor Pitiful me.... Anxiety and other Crosses we Bear....

I am going to say that I am a lot more honest with people and MYSELF if I write it down. I like that. It is not good losing yourself along the way of adulthood. I had a very interesting talk with someone yesterday about, Anxiety and Depression. I have had this talk with this same person numerous times. She and I were discussing how. "annoying" it is to hear people say, "Well, why don't you just make it stop... don't get anxious! Get up out of bed and don't be depressed" Well, a good, sarcastic and non Christian like response to that would be, "OH MY GOSH, Why didn't I think of that??? No $*&",  a$$+*&@, if only it were that easy. I finally came clean and was honest and said, (to a person I ADORE and LOVE) I really agree on that, Why can't you just make it stop?".....Not to level of, Just stop being depressed, stop being anxious... More like, "Why can't you pray yourself outta it, or force yourself to get up and do something that makes you happy??" I do not understand anxiety, or depression... I want to, I pray I never face this... I see what it does to people..... I get anxious, but more like.... I let life's troubles build up, and up and up! Till' BAM, I explode and have what would seem like a panic attack, but more like a "FREAK OUT" I pray about it and I am fine, crying stops, heart rate goes back normal and I no longer feel like I am going to die.... two maybe ... MAYBE three times a year. Depression just doesn't happen to me. I have NEVER just not been able to get out of bed, refuse a shower... NADA. Aint nobody Gonna take my pride, aint nobody gonna hold me down.. oh no... gotta keep on moving. (Just kidding that was cheesy) Don't get me wrong, I get upset, and sad inside... but, as I previously talked about in my other blog, my default emotion is ANGER. (>.<) I am also very introverted. So, I genuinely in my, sometimes, not always, close minded thoughts think, "Well, just don't be sad, anxious or depressed, force another emotion to take it's place." That is TERRIBLE advise. Terrible. Don't do that, lol. I am now trying to reverse YEARS of, what a friend use to call, an "Incredible Defense Mechanism" He would tell me, "Alicia, you created this incredible defense mechanism, that you had to have to survive the life you grew up in and the situations you were put in... but, now it is like you do not know how to turn it off." He is correct. I sometimes wish I had that depression... just to feel something. Anything. It is confusing, because I do feel ALL the emotions you're suppose to.... I just do not show them, and I push them away. Now, back to the anxiety. Like the person I spoke to yesterday said, "You can be driving, reading a book taking a shower... anything and it just happens... and once it does there is not stopping it" We talked about how back in her day, they didn't even know what it was... people just would go to the ER and think they were dying. How the medical professionals (I SAY LOOSELY.. because I FIRMLY believe if it weren't for Doctors who over prescribe meds.... A lot less self inflicting deaths from mixture of pills would occur.... Doctors just want you out of their office now a days.... Not to actually help... Write another prescription... That'll fix everything... ) have almost targeted to a genetic gene, possibly. But, maybe people with Anxiety get this because they feel, "too much" maybe it is a gene...... This wonderful lady and I have spoke many times about it just being her "Cross to Bare" which is actually the main topic of my brain today.... I just literally type exactly what my brain is thinking, and in the order it thinks :) .....Anxiety, Wheelchair bound, Bi-polar, ANGER, childhood abuse...... and many many more....... How is this fair?? We think that over and over....Why?? Why do I have to spend everyday feeling anxious, sad, in a wheelchair and so on... Honestly, if we are being perfectly honest... That is not up to us to understand or even Question. Every single last one of us have that Nasty Nasty Cross to Bear.... I can say, I would bet 1,000,000,000.00 no one is like, "Oh, I love being in a wheelchair... that car accident was the best thing that has ever happened to me!!!" Maybe a change in heart, and attitude after such an event would be the best thing... but not the Cross you carry for life; the end result. Christ carried the BIGGEST and quite LITERAL cross for us. Death. I am relatively new to the GENUINE Christianity..... I have forever been a backdoor Christian. So, I am learning as I go.... But, I think that is a big cross to carry. He never once complained about it, from what I have read and studied. I really think that  he gets sad when we complain. Like his sacrifice wasn't good enough, we aren't appreciative of his gift..... He asks us to simply have Faith...... that of a teeny tiny Mustard Seed. That is it. Seems pretty simple... not that simple I suppose.. I think many, like my lovely "person" I was talking about earlier with the anxiety, what to figure it out... so it can be fixed.... What if we can't fix it? What if, "it is what it is" and this is the cross Jesus meant for us to have? What if, maybe, just maybe we are suppose to ACCEPT it and have FAITH that this is what he has planned for us? And he has a MUCH bigger purpose for us, using these things that we feel and see as, Trials in our lives.... I use the Anxiety example because I know FAR TOO MANY loved ones who struggle with this daily... and maybe it isn't controllable, like most Tribulations we are faced with... but, this seems to be the hardest to accept and to have faith in God's plan.... I HATE seeing my friends and family struggle daily with this and other Cross they bear.... but, I really have come to believe that this is how it goes... It is HIS plan, HIS timing and HIS purpose. Trust me, I do not follow this... I can only give my opinion on how I feel it is, or should be..... Maybe one day I will understand my Cross.

Just a thought: That saying, "God won't put anything on us we can't handle" I call BS.... it is not biblical... It is a saying.... merely someones thought, taken out on content.... on a verse in 1 Corinthians... based on TEMPTATION. I am not saying it is not true TO AN EXTENT.... I think it is taken too literally. This is not the world God had intended. We as people for many years have been screwing it up......He gave us free will to make our choices, and as we all as adults know now, HOPEFULLY: our decisions effect other people. Some people are selfish and do not care about their choices, as long as it makes them happy.....  I think that God puts us in certain situations to teach us to LEAN on HIM to fail even.... not to set us up for failure... but, to rely on him... pray in times of trouble... Mother Teresa did have a good twist to this quote. " I know God won't put anything on my that I can not handle, I just sure wish he didn't trust me so much" Truth is we do not know why we face the Trials and Tribulations that we do...... We just have to accept them and know that he has a reason and a purpose.

Not ready to make nice!!

Default Emotions:

     What's Yours????

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller

**Terrible advice**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I would like to say that I am that sweet, slow to anger Wife and Mother we see on the TV. Unfortunately for my family and those around me, "Leave it to Beaver" stopped airing a looooooooooooong time. I think I use to be that way.... Do you ever wonder, "Is this how I really behave? Respond to my children, and Husband? Is this even me anymore?" HAVE I ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY? Like, I have been this angry for so long that I can not even remember reacting with the emotion that particular situation deserves. For example, instead of being hurt and sad by something my husband may have said, unknowingly to hurt my feelings.. I lash out and hurt him back, I get genuinely angry. When what I should ideally say is something cheesy and along the lines of, "Hunny, I know you were probably kidding and trying to lighten the mood... but, that really bothered me." INSTEAD, I say clever (In my head) and sarcastic things like, "Well, if you weren't so F%$#@!% nice all the time, and let me just do things by myself, I wouldn't get annoyed." WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?! who says stuff like this to someone who is so kind and caring to them. Me, I do. I hear it come out of my mouth..... I even know I am about to say it, yet, I still say it. Why??? Well, I have finally figured out why.... Because, I am ANGRY. Not at him, or my children.... those are just my safe places. We hurt the ones that we are safest with, who we feel won't leave or abandon us...... the ones who will always be there and love us not matter what. This is true of your children. They will always be there and love you. Your husband on the other hand, has the option to [for the lack of a better term] bail. Even though, we have joined our lives as one, under the Godly covenant that is our Marriage..... he is human, and can choose to leave... your children have no choice lol, they are stuck with you. A person can only be treated with no respect for so long, before they have had enough. My sweet husband always tells me that I am not mean to him, and I treat him great.... Poor guy has no idea how good it can actually be, when I am nice all the time and not quick to anger. The bible tells us, to be slow to anger.... A really good verse to use as a guide would be, "But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.Psalm 86:14-16 " The bible also tells us to be, "Christ Like" .... Weeeeeellllllllll, to me, that is telling me that Christ is SLOW TO ANGER with us, his children, ABOUNDING IN LOVE and FAITHFULNESS. Let's see:
ABOUNDING WITH LOVE: What does that mean to you? In my child like brain, I visualize God scooping me up, every chance he gets to hug me, tells me at every opportunity that he loves me and he is proud of me. Do you do that for your family and those around you?? I do not. Although that is my goal. Love isn't a feeling... it is an action. The heart can be deceitful. Actions are how I show and receive love in it's greatest form. And Christ dying on the cross, to me, seems to be the BIGGEST act of love that I have heard of.
FAITHFULNESS: hmmmmm, God... Faithful? YES! He is always faithful in his actions, and never leaving his promises for something, "Greener" Grass needs watering on both sides, my friends. As he is faithful, we need to be to our Children and our Husbands.... Not just in the Adultery part with our Husbands. What about the other promises we made during our Vows?? Keeping those means being faithful. To our Children, we are to always be faithful with being their comfort and THEIR safe place, not them being ours. We should never put that kind of heavy burden on them.
SLOW TO ANGER: errrrrrrrrrr....this one is the one that gets me EVERY TIME!!! I want to be angry, dang it! Thank Jesus right now that he doesn't get angry at us every time we make a boneheaded stupid choice.... Truth is, in my personal experience, I am angry at my past, and the people in the past who have done me wrong. Now, everyone else must suffer. As terrible as that sounds, it is truth. What if THEY are the people you're angry with?? Simple, Choose to forgive..... as christ has forgiven us.

Let me leave with this thought: How would your families DAY, WEEK even YEAR be... if you could stop when you felt that A$$*&$ # anger creep up, kick the Devil to the curb (cause we all know he feeds off of our sorrows, doubts and failures) and made the choice to have that normal reaction?? Be sad! Be happy! Be frustrated even! Frustration is okay, and healthy to an extent. Talk to your spouse about it... they are there to be by your side and face life's problems. But, not angry and hurt those around you. I am going to start this, today.... you gotta start somewhere, right?!?! I will fail, I will succeed and I will have days where I just want to crawl under a rock because I am ashamed at how I speak to people. My husband once told me, "I love you, but you will not speak to me like that. I am your husband and I deserve to be respected" He did and still does. He may not know it, but that hit me hard. He doesn't know it, because I didn't respond with , "you're right, I am sorry" it was more like, "ARG! You suck, BLAH BLAH BLAH, *profanity*, I will talk however I want to" When I feel like being a GIANT pain in the butt, and retaliate, and be all, "Poor pitiful me" I will Pray. as simple as that. The goal is to be Christ like, right?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
Mark Twain